I had an all out civil war with myself recently. As I think about it, I’ve been in a civil war within myself for the past 20 years and I didn’t even know it. It wasn’t until I found myself almost passing out as I was coming out the shower and feeling like everything in me was on the verge of collapsing emotionally did I realize that something was very deeply wrong within me.
I don’t know what transpired, one moment I was fine and the next thing I knew I was laying on my couch feeling like my life was being sucked out of me. Have you ever felt so fatigued from fighting storms that you feel like your breathing your last breath, like your going to literally pass out? I can count on one hand this happening and this was beyond scary.
As I laid on my couch pleading to Jesus to help me, I felt myself spiraling to what felt like unconsciousness and out of nowhere, there popped my little one and said in her sweet little voice, “Mommy, I’m sorry to tell you this, but I broke the cabinet in the bathroom….” All of a sudden, whatever satan was doing, God blocked it through my daughter and I came too. I went straight into Mommy mode and by the time I finished dealing with that, I forgot what happened.
But what in the world happened? I’m tired, yes, I wear many hats, yes, I’m struggling and fighting obesity, yes, I’m in a LOOONNGG season of wilderness and process of inner healing, yes and on and on and on, but what really happened?
It wasn’t until I was having a conversation with my husband about my struggle and frustrations of my many fallings, failures and setbacks with fighting obesity, that on the inside, what I didn’t know was there was a monstrous rage and self-hatred brewing on the inside eating me alive.
The conversation between my husband and I was pretty normal at first, it started off with me venting about being frustrated with my weight struggles and the next thing I knew, I felt an uncontrollable rage spring up in me and I started yelling, crying and banging on my bed, “I’M TIRED OF ALL THIS FIGHTING, I’M TIRED OF FIGHTING AND FIGHTING AND FIGHTING, I’M SO SICK OF FALLING, I HATE WHAT I’VE BECOME, I HATE HOW I LOOK, I HATE MY BODY, I HATE IT…I HATE IT…I HATE IT….”
He sat quietly and allowed me space, but tried to wheel me back in but I couldn’t hear him because I was so enraged. For those that know me, I’m usually pretty calm and in control of myself and my temper, but this day, it was about 20 years overdue of deep seeded unconscious and secret hate, anguish, guilt, shame and unforgiveness that was erupting within me that was slowly eating me alive, killing me, sucking all the life out of me, that in that one moment, my constant state of silence and seeming ok erupted and manifested and hate, guilt, unforgiveness and shame spoke. To say the least, I was not ok for a couple of weeks.
I spent the next few days fasting and seeking God on what transpired and He began to speak and address what the real issues, that thing I’ve been battling for 20 years were. .
To be continued…
For those of you struggling with something you’ve done or didn’t do in your past, a mistake, a hurt, a pain, a regret, a secret sin, a trauma caused by your own doing, God is speaking to all of us through these scriptures:
Proverbs 24:6
For a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again
Romans 8:8
8 There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus…
26 Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession [g]for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. 27 Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God.
28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. 29 For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. 30 Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.
God’s Everlasting Love
31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can beagainst us? 32 He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? 33 Who shall bring a charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who ishe who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36 As it is written:
“For Your sake we are killed all day long;
We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.”37 Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 38 For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, 39 nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 7:24-25
24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
Amen! Amen! Amen!
Continue to join me as I share with you what Christ is sharing with me about overcoming. As always, Be Encouraged, Stay Connected, Fight and Let’s Become Free Together!
Yours in Christ,
Ke’Shawn Adamson
B.O.O.M!
