Only I have the power to tear down my own walls to my greatest victory. Jesus gave me the power to tear down walls built over years of hurt, pain, shame, trauma, woundedness and unforgiveness. I can’t wish my obesity away, I can’t ignore the guilt, shame, trauma and unforgiveness and build on top of all those fillings AND try to take hold of what I’m trying to become. It’s been about 20 years of hating my body and what I’ve become. We’ll, that train of self-hatred stops here and I’m getting off!!! The Lord is calling…
I can no longer walk in a state of hating me and despising what I become…I’ve done that too long. I never realized that after becoming morbidly obese, deep within, I loathed and hated myself, my body, my body parts, what I’ve become as a person and what my body parts morphed into. Everyday and I mean everyday, I was always, always reminded of my mistake. Every time I Iooked into the mirror, I was disgusted. Day in and day out, I was disgusted with me and every time I saw myself, I had nothing nice to say about my body for almost 20 years…20 years of abuse towards myself. It’s very sad but true. I didn’t realize I was very abusive and cruel to me?
I’d look at myself, my legs particularly, the largeness, the cellulite, the immense swelling and later, water retention brought on by lymphedema and hated them. I felt sorrowful over my legs. I don’t even know what my ankles look like? Even at my smallest, I’ve never had normal ankles and I was disgusted and always tried to cover them up. Big beautiful legs ran in my family with the woman, but for me, my legs became excessively big, it was like for me, I got the deformity of that gene.
I spent most of my life covering my legs, but, people always knew my legs were big and would always stare and point. When I worked with kids, you can forget about it, the kids would just stare and make all kinds of comments when I would take them swimming. How about going to get a pedicure and the attendant sits down to start working on your feet but, begins to point at your legs, starts to speak in their native language to their co-workers all while smiling and talking about your legs. How utterly embarrassing is that???? I’m paying you and sitting right here watching you talk about me, Argghh!
How about when I came home from the hospital and my legs swelled to the point it was oozing out water from excessive swelling? I was mortified and horrified and my husband couldn’t even touch my legs to help me lotion them for they burned so badly. My legs began to get small openings in them to release the water and excessive pressure, but if that continued, it would have developed into big open sores. I was panic stricken when I saw the water oozing out, traumatized and in so much physical pain that as came out of the shower and entered my room on day 2 after being released from the hospital, I collapsed on my dresser gripped with fear and despair as to what was happening to me… and, it was all my fault (so the devil told me)…Vicious cycles of shame and unforgiveness.CRUSHING #5!
So today, I’m grateful and learning to praise God for the members of my body and how well it has served me all my life, despite how it looked. I’m going through a process of practicing Gratefulness for my body parts for all the good its done and been to me instead of despising it. I’m learning to speak life to my members, it’s a process, but I’m learning and I have a lot of healing to do in this area.
The Lord is saying to all of us that despise our bodies, despise ourselves and even the decisions that lead us up to this point,
Isaiah 30:18
18 Therefore the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore He rises to show you compassion, for the LORD is a just God. Blessed are all who wait for Him. 19O people in Zion, who dwell in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. He will surely be gracious at the sound of your cry; when He hears, He will answer you.…
Psalm 139
1 You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.2 You know when I sit and when I rise;you perceive my thoughts from afar.3 You discern my going out and my lying down;you are familiar with all my ways. 4 Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.5 You hem me in behind and before,and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,if I settle on the far side of the sea,10 even there your hand will guide me,your right hand will hold me fast.11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,for darkness is as light to you.13 For you created my inmost being;you knit me together in my mother’s womb.14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;your works are wonderful,I know that full well.15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God! How vast is the sum of them! 18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with you.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.24 See if there is any offensive way in me,and lead me in the way everlasting.
Forgiveness is ALWAYS available, NO MATTER WHAT! Today, let’s lift up our mistakes to God, release them and receive the forgiveness of Christ, forgive ourselves and tell the devil to his face,
“SATAN, YOU ARE A LIAR, I AM FREE FROM UNFORGIVENESS, JESUS FORGAVE ME ON THE CROSS! I AM FREE!”
Jesus loves us and died to give us forgiveness, let’s receive it today and appreciate what Christ is given us in our bodies, no matter what it looks like, it’s a gift.
To be continued…
Continue to join me as I share with you what Christ is sharing with me about overcoming. As always, Be Encouraged, Stay Connected, Fight & Let’s Become Free Together.
Check out this video from Lisa Nichols, it spoke life to me about her journey of overcoming obesity, vision and motivation to achieve your dreams.
Yours in Christ,
Ke’Shawn Adamson
B.O.O.M!
