In my perfect world, I’d like to always write about all my mountain top experiences and how I’m valiantly conquering obesity strong everyday. But unfortunately, during my journey of conquering obesity, I’ve been prone to falling, set-backs and what it feels like failures at times and I beat myself up pretty bad for it. God is teaching me about my failures and giving me a new perspective to get me through them.
I’ve been battling with night eating forever. I’ll conquer it for a few weeks, but then something happens and I’ll fall back into that vicious cycle. Every-time I night eat, I feel super ashamed and so disappointed in myself. Truthfully, when I fail at anything regarding my weight loss process, emotionally, I go through so much guilt, shame and unforgiveness towards myself.
So recently, after many weeks of not night eating, out of no where, I started again, A-R-R-R-G-G-G-H-H-H! Once I started, I was on a roll too, I ate my baby girls kitkat my Mom brought her, her big bag of chips, my husbands peanut butter cup, his Chinese food, I picked at his lunch and EERRTHING! Once he questioned me about it and said I should replace it, I was angry.
Now, I shouldn’t of been angry at him at all, after all, I ate his food. But truthfully, I wasn’t really angry at him, I was angry at me. I felt embarrassed and ashamed and he called out a sore spot for me, so what I really wanted from him was to say nothing. He was so diplomatic about the discussion, but I was MADD. In the middle of the conversation, I burst into tears.
He said to me, “Ke’, you can’t beat yourself up like this when you have a failure. I never beat you up about eating my food, but you beat you up. I’m not mad at you, but you can’t abuse yourself like this when you make a mistake.”
And then I finally said it,
“I feel like a failure when I make a mistake in general and especially my eating.”
“I feel like I can’t stand before people after I fail or eat the wrong thing. I feel like a hypocrite.”
” I feel like I’m delaying my blessing when I fall.”
“I’m embarrassed and ashamed when I night eat.”
“No matter how much weight I lose, it’s never enough because I have so much further to go.”
“I look at myself and I still don’t like how I look and see my imperfections…my legs are still too big, my arms are way to big and then I get sad…”
Through my husband, I never realized that I allow the devil to talk to me and I embrace what he says hence, abusing myself through negative self talk. I didn’t realize how much I still struggle and how hard I am on me when I fall.
The straw that broke the camels back is when my husband continued to say,
“Babe, don’t beat up Little Ke’Shawn, I love her, don’t beat up her up anymore. Stop abusing her, you have to learn to motivate her. Who goes into a battle or war and never gets hit by the enemy. You’re going to get wounded in battle, but you learn and that’s what makes your journey authentic, you’re not talking to people having already arrived, but from a place of struggling but yet, still fighting and conquering it. You have to stop abusing her.”
So, this week, I’ve been researching scripture on learning about God’s love towards us when we fall and what God say’s about our mistakes. Three scriptures that stand out is,
Proverbs 24:16
“for the righteous falls seven times and rises again…”
Isaiah 30:18
“Therefore the LORD longs to be gracious to you, And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the LORD is a God of justice; How blessed are all those who long for Him.”
Genesis 50:20
(The devil) intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.
I’m learning to renew my mind in this area and embrace my journey, the good, bad, the ugly. God is going to use my mistakes and its in my weakness, He’s making me strong and allow me to help many. We fall AND we rise again and when we fall, God LONGS to forgive and show us his compassion, it’s our job to love, motivate and forgive ourselves and keep pressing into our greatness.
Continue to join me as I share with you what Christ is sharing with me about overcoming. As always, Be Encouraged, Stay Connected, Fight & Let’s become free together.
How To Turn Your Mess To Progress ( PROCESS into PROGRESS) By TD Jakes 2017
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rO87h_G3VlQ
Yours In Christ,
Ke’Shawn Adamson
B.O.O.M!
